The new Hampshire: Steeped However, Ashamed About any of it

Look at the means he proudly grins upwards within you against the mobile screen when he dangles their Connect of the day amongst the base of their luggage shorts-clothed ft! You recognize those individuals pockets are merely filled with carabiners, hooks, and you can zero-links! Imagine the lovable Boy Scout you decided to go to basic university having. Remember the way they were therefore useful and you will know all of the different types of knots? Okay, today visualize all of them grown up-up and declining so you’re able to Venmo your $250 having their 50 % of the fresh new abortion. Today picture him rising for the sunlight, he calls “nature’s noisy alarms.” Truthfully, I’m not sure which is worse.

Nebraska: The latest Armchair Quarterback

You have experienced about three (3) java dining tables this season since your boyfriend, an enthusiastic armchair quarterback out-of Nebraska, refuses to stop crushing them into the anger when his team will lose. He categorically will not accept that the participants are unable to pay attention to him regarding his living room area and you can, this is why, his blog post-fumble “Come on. ” scream try deafening. All of the Monday, unfailingly, you will be possibly listening to your label all the coach and user an effective screwing moron, or cold on tailgate – never in the real video game, though. He’s going to never tackle one seasons and he is nearly a 3rd-sequence walking-into the kicker on Huskers, and since he discusses it all the newest damn big date, none is it possible you.

Nevada: Brand new Perma-Bachelor

If only my personal fit fit me also Bradley Cooper’s did throughout the Hangover, believes the latest Las vegas Fuckboy, next my life was done. Truth be told there the guy happens, prowling from bar together with shirt undone one to key also of numerous, hot Kawasaki brides search slurring their terms and conditions and you can sloshing their martini. If only they tasted just like they look, the guy magic in order to themselves. Never ask your for taking away from his eyeglasses, since they’re concealing a couple of crusted, bloodshot sight which were just after simple and you can laden with lifetime. He or she is now a strolling cluster machine, repeating so you’re able to his family: “You’ll receive married? Loss! It will be the unmarried life for my situation, brah!”, being unsure of he will become condemned to grow a beneficial paunch, help their costly fit end up being tarnished and unpleasant, and become among Las vegas slot machine grandmothers, thumbing quarters on the servers and you may sipping a-two-liter bottle from eating plan Coke, hoping to earn this new award regarding their destroyed youth.

“Hi girl, did not We view you on Tri-Kap dager the other day?” was a typical opening gambit of The fresh Hampshire Fuckboy which is Steeped However, Embarrassed About it. A great Dartmouth people through-and-through, they are a perfect attention of option-downs, khaki trousers, and you will an excellent blazer that can be worn in the formals and in addition in the his dad’s boat club. Ask him outright if the he could be rich, he’s going to be quick to share with your their family do not own a beneficial private spray – it’s only a stake in the a contributed G6 between a few of my dad’s team couples. In which he does not have any a residence on Nantucket, it’s simply a small summer house into the seashore around the Obamas’ put. An enjoyable trick if you wish to place your on place – query your to pronounce title out of their very costly view (Audemars Piguet) to check out him squirm.

New Mexico: The latest Connect

The brand new Mexico, people say, is the house out-of enchantment, a wilderness where your own road trip goals may come real. It’s closer to a dusty horror where in fact the dudes smell of dirt and you may smegma. Your new North american country fuckboy, in the event the he or she is away from Albuquerque, is far too eager to make suggestions attractions out of Cracking Crappy – you realize, that house you could potentially toss a pizza to, or you to amazingly meth motel – just like the that’s it he has got. That, with his “I’m the one who hits” clothing (stained), a broad-brimmed hat (cannot match), and you can Heisenberg specs (in fact a small strict so they really enjoy inside and leave red, welt-for example indents towards his lead). When the he could be away from Santa Fe, anticipate an equivalent however with talks about Ayahuasca thus tiresome it is possible to want to hurl yourself off of the cliffs during the Los Alamos.